My Mom is on a plane back to Dallas and I must admit that we didn't have the best visit. Before I jump into the story I must say that I am ashamed that I don't have a good relationship with my Mom...  I was telling a male friend about what happened and he just listened in silence.  He talks to his Mom daily so I KNOW he can't relate.  Afterward, it felt like he looked at me differently, and not in a good way when I told him I wasn't close to my Mom.  I know that I am not the only one who has this type of mother-daughter relationship, but sometimes it feels that way. I think it rarely bothers me because this is the way it has always been... 

After the fight on Tuesday things calmed down and except for a moment in the drugstore where I was tempted to leave her there and go home, things were relatively quiet.  This morning while I was in my office working, she called me into the living room to talk.  She started talking about how us leaving for college and rarely coming home was hard for her.  I guess she still saw us as little children and always envisioned us coming back home.  She talked about how things used to be when we were growing up and how close we all were.  It was at this moment when I told my Mom that I didn't think we had a close relationship.  She seemed surprised...  I think she perceived us as being close at one time and then when I went away to college, we grew apart.  I told her that was not the case...  When I had a problems/concerns as a kid, I never spoke to her about them.  Growing up she just told me what to do and I had to do it. She rarely took an interest in how school was going, any issues I had, questions I had about life, etc.  To quote my sister "We were obligations but they (our parents) didn't take that active interest our lives".  Partially that had to do with them being busy with other things like work. Now as adult, nothing has changed except she comes to me with her problems. 

I told her that I don't blame her for our relationship.  My Mom didn't grow up with her Mom, her Dad died when she was young, and the Aunt who raised her treated like Cinderella's Step Mom treated her.  From listening to her childhood stories, I think she felt mistreated a lot growing up.  She never had that mother-daughter connection with anyone, and even though I don't think she liked her upbringing, she raised me like she was raised.  What can I say, she did the best with what she had...  It is really hard to have frank discussions with my Mom because I feel like everything I say will be twisted and used against me in the future.  I was trying to lay it all out there and I probably stumbled in a lot of areas. We talked about other things and some tears were shed.  At a certain point she started to internalize everything I had said and it became a case of me being mean and treating her badly and from there the conversation deteriorated.  I told her that our relationship didn't have to be this way, but my Mom wasn't really hearing me at that point.

I won't sit here and pretend like I am blameless in this relationship.  I can go months without talking to my Mom and not feel anything about it.  I know this isn't normal, but it's how I feel.  During college I was the kid that NEVER wanted to visit their parents during breaks, and 14 years later that feeling still hasn't gone away...  The conversation ended badly and we rode to the airport in silence.  I am sure my sister will get an earful about me when my Mom calls her later this week.  Some of the things that were said, needed to be said though.  Relationships have to start off with honesty and I think I took a step forward.  Hopefully, my Mom will ultimately realize that I am not her enemy, I don't hate her, and I want to help her with any of the issues she has. I might not be taking vacations with her or talking to her daily, but I love her and I want a Mom.